Lost

I've done some thought. I talked a lot about selfishness and such. And I'm tired of that. Forgive me for being so selfish. My burdens are mine to bear, and they've always been. Thank you for trying to share them with me. You shouldn't have. I wish it didn't have to be this way. Alas, it seems there's no other way it can be.

Futility. That's what I've been faced with, and I've either been too blind to see it or I'm actively, or passively, denying it. I can't anymore. I thought you might have needed me, to a certain degree. I was probably just trying to justify my presence. You've spent so much time with me, and I'm really thankful for that. I know you didn't do that just to be nice. That you did enjoy my company... most of the time.

But I'm in a slump, J. You know how I feel, but I don't know what you think about that. I've always been kind of stupid when it came to that. While I don't think you don't care, per se, I do believe it's not something you're particularly fond of. And yet I continue on bringing it up. I know it's hopeless, I really do. But I held on, nonetheless. I clinched tightly to a single thread of hope. A thread so thin, it's a miracle it can even hold its own weight.

And yet the more I hold on to that thread, the more complicated I make things. Especially for you. When I start feeling the pain, you start feeling guilt. No more. I don't want to do that to you anymore. It's not something you should have had to worry about, but I made it so. I wanted to matter to you. In a sense, I kind of regret trying so hard to find you and reconnect with you again. If I had known what burdens you'd end up carrying, I probably would never have done it.

I have to let you go. I have to. I don't want you to suffer for my sake anymore.

I hear people say love is about letting go; others, about holding on. I think no one really knows. I think it's a little bit of a discovery. I think...

I think I'm done thinking.

Don't let this boy's idiocy bring you down anymore. We'll have to say goodbye. I said I'd always be there. I'm sorry, but that's a promise I'll have to break. Being there means making you feel guilty. Being there means complicating your life unnecessarily. Being there means I'll be selfish. It means I'll want to break the boundaries of friendship you've set for me - a locked cage, so to speak, and step into areas I don't belong. It means I'll start breaking walls down, if I must, to get into your heart.

Selfish.

So I think I'll just slither my way back into the darkness, back to the caverns where I'll put all my emotions into hibernation again. Well... all except the one I can't shut off. I'll always love her, but I'll do so where she can no longer see and, with a little luck, she may even forget me and all the stresses and complications I created.

I'm always going to regret this. Regret leaving. But at least she'll never have to see that.


Yet, I can't help but write this here where she will see... I want her to stop me... even if