Dear Jenny,
Let me first open this letter to tell you how I feel: I love you, Jenny. And I love you more and more each day. I'm happy, so very happy that we are finally together. But even so, I must admit, I'm not happy enough. I am a selfish man, and I want more. Now that we are together, I want to stay together. Forever.
That is my wish.
A life with you, Jenny. Where - it matters not. All that matters to me now is that I'm with you. I will do my best for us, Heart. I will strive to succeed in my endeavors so that I can provide you with all the means to make your dreams come true. Just as you have made all my wildest dreams come true.
I'm done with dreaming. I am wide awake now, and I never thought I'd see this day. I never thought I'd ever earn the right to call you mine in the same way I've always been yours. So unbelievable is it that I feel like I'm still asleep. No words could describe, no matter how hard I try, how I feel right now; how much I love you.
You're so wonderful, Jenny. I adore every single aspect of you. It was worth waiting almost four years just for you. I would have waited ten times that and be glad for it, if you would be mine in the end. Then my only regret would be that we wouldn't have as much time together as we will now. It's impossible for me not to love you. Everything about you.
Your smile, how it simply brightens up my world every time I see it. Your eyes, so deep and expressive. I couldn't count how many times I've gotten myself lost within them. Your nose, and the way it wrinkles when you laugh, frown, or otherwise make any of the cute and silly faces you always make. Your hair, so soft and fragrant. So much so that I felt myself afloat in heaven each time I buried myself sweetly in your hair.
Your personality. My god, what a personality indeed. That mind of yours, I could study you for my entire lifetime and never grow tired or bored. You're endlessly fascinating. You're clever in some of the most unconventional ways. Your charm is unmatched. I knew it from the first time I met you. I hadn't seen you then. But I had already known how beautiful you were.
The way you acted, the way you spoke. Everything about you captured my heart, long before I had even seen your face. You're as beautiful inside as you are out. I could write endlessly about how absolutely stunning you were. How enthralling you remain to be. You'll always be that way to me, Jenny. I'll never stop being amazed by you.
All that I am is yours, for you are my everything. You, Jenny. My Heart, my love. My Angel. You mean more to me than anything else, and I would give up everything to be with you. I want to spend all my life, the rest of my days with you. Only you.
My darling. My sweetheart. My Jenny. You are my other half, the very meaning to my existence. I live only for you now. I try and I succeed only for you. No. That's not quite right. I live. I try, and I succeed for us. For my future with you. For our future together.
We're lovers now. Best friends, and so we shall always remain, but lovers on top of that. For almost four years, we have built a foundation of trust and respect. Of an admiration for each other that deepened into a love truer and purer than any other love that has ever existed. It's no longer "You and I" or "I and she". Jenny, it's "Us" now. It's "We". And so it shall forever remain.
My love, my devotion, my adoration, my dedication is yours, Jenny. Forever and ever.
I love you.
Always Yours,
Paul
11.10.12
29.1.11
Too...?
Been drinking and smoking a lot. I decided I was going to quit the latter, but I've stopped those efforts. It was a good run, I suppose. I think I've decided to give up on my life. I essentially have already, anyway. I'll content myself with whatever shitty job I find. And talents? Ha. It was just arrogance on my part.
No need to pursue those things now. On the plus side, I don't feel anything, anymore. The sadness has gone away, I think. For better or worse, this is who I am now. This is my new identity. I think I should close this blog now, but maybe keeping it up will do a favor to the strangers who've stumbled upon my blog. A warning, perhaps?
Ha. Arrogance again. Like I'm that important. Just the ranting of a child: Too naive to do the right things; too stubborn to learn from mistakes; whose seen too much of what happens to people after they fall in love, and yet still too stupid, and fell in love anyway.
I don't care.
No need to pursue those things now. On the plus side, I don't feel anything, anymore. The sadness has gone away, I think. For better or worse, this is who I am now. This is my new identity. I think I should close this blog now, but maybe keeping it up will do a favor to the strangers who've stumbled upon my blog. A warning, perhaps?
Ha. Arrogance again. Like I'm that important. Just the ranting of a child: Too naive to do the right things; too stubborn to learn from mistakes; whose seen too much of what happens to people after they fall in love, and yet still too stupid, and fell in love anyway.
I don't care.
22.1.11
Fate and Faith
I still believe, Joseph. The future is always uncertain. The possibilities always endless. I still believe fate took my hand and guided me to her two years ago. And I don't think it ends there. There's too much time between now and when my life is over. Generally speaking, anyway. Hers as well. And this world is too small to keep us apart forever. Fate can bring us back together again under better auspices at any point during that span.
I'll be ready for that time to come, if it does indeed. And she'll see, Joseph, that I've never stopped loving her. She gave me 30 seconds before she decided. But, look at us, Joseph; there is yet an entire lifetime ahead of us both for that decision to change. Or it may not. I may be mostly deluded but I don't care. I've stated in previous entries that I wouldn't have been a better fit for her, anyway. Not yet. At this time, I can provide her with nothing. The things I can give at this time wouldn't be enough. And that's fine.
Fate has shown me that. I need to make myself a better person. I need to accomplish the great things I know I'm capable of. I need to change the world in my own way. I need to do all these, or at least be on track to being able to do all of these, instead of being idle, before Fate will bring us together again. I know she will. I don't know how we'll react when that time comes, but I know somewhere in the future our paths will cross again.
Then again, maybe Fate's little game ends right here. Either way, I will not let myself be a mere slave to circumstances.
It's like the lyrics I wrote for this special girl, Joseph: Fate can be changed if we try our best, and Our future's brighter than you could know.
Joseph, I still believe that. I always will.
Ever Yours,
Scott M.
P.S.
I've decided immortality is meaningless. I've changed my point of view. I used to regret not being able to live forever because I'll miss out on everything the world has to offer after I die. I'm missing out on things NOW while I'm alive! Why worry about things that can't be helped?
I'll be ready for that time to come, if it does indeed. And she'll see, Joseph, that I've never stopped loving her. She gave me 30 seconds before she decided. But, look at us, Joseph; there is yet an entire lifetime ahead of us both for that decision to change. Or it may not. I may be mostly deluded but I don't care. I've stated in previous entries that I wouldn't have been a better fit for her, anyway. Not yet. At this time, I can provide her with nothing. The things I can give at this time wouldn't be enough. And that's fine.
Fate has shown me that. I need to make myself a better person. I need to accomplish the great things I know I'm capable of. I need to change the world in my own way. I need to do all these, or at least be on track to being able to do all of these, instead of being idle, before Fate will bring us together again. I know she will. I don't know how we'll react when that time comes, but I know somewhere in the future our paths will cross again.
Then again, maybe Fate's little game ends right here. Either way, I will not let myself be a mere slave to circumstances.
It's like the lyrics I wrote for this special girl, Joseph: Fate can be changed if we try our best, and Our future's brighter than you could know.
Joseph, I still believe that. I always will.
Ever Yours,
Scott M.
P.S.
I've decided immortality is meaningless. I've changed my point of view. I used to regret not being able to live forever because I'll miss out on everything the world has to offer after I die. I'm missing out on things NOW while I'm alive! Why worry about things that can't be helped?
21.1.11
How Things Tend to Repeat
It hasn't been a full day yet, and it really hurts. I don't want to start regretting already, after just taking the first step. I guess I've finally come down from my high and excitement and saw the rubble around me. What have I done? I had left the one person who still remained when all others have gone. And now I have no one. It's hard. It's really hard.
I tried to calm myself with whatever I could find. But I can't. I can't watch funny movies or shows, because they remind me of her. Of how we used to watch funny movies all the time. Can't really laugh at jokes anymore because I hear her laugh in my head. I know it's been less than a day and chances are it'll get easier as time passes. But in the meantime, how do I get through this?
You know what I ended up doing? I cried. Hahaha, yeah. I haven't cried like that before. And then I passed out. I've never cried myself to sleep before today. And I still don't feel any better. So what do I do now? Who do I turn to? I have no one left. She was in large part, my inspiration and motivation to move forward. I wanted to do it for myself, sure. But I also really wanted to become a person she would be proud of.
I don't know if I'm going to be able to move forward or not. No delays... no delays... [Sighs.] No one left.
I stared at this screen for a very long time, holding back the tears. Can I really say I lost the person I trusted most, when I'm the one who made it happen? It's my fault. It's my fault! She's gone, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'll either suffer through it and make it... or I won't.
I'm aimless again. I don't want to stand still. Joseph - that's your new name, blogger, I want to be able to refer to you directly. Joseph, what do I do? I'm aimless and I don't want to stay where I'm at. The longer I do the, the worse it'll be for me. So what do I do?
To be honest with you, Joseph, I feel like I want to run away. Not trying to sound dramatic, but just go. Grab a small backpack, take a couple shirts, underwear and jeans, and leave. Possibly with my guitar, as well. Either way just go. Just leave. No phones, no way of anyone ever contacting me. Just drop off the radar. Who knows, there might something good that would come out of it.
I know it's risky, Joseph. Chances are I'd get robbed in one city and/or killed, or something. But not entirely sure why that's so bad. Haha, Joseph, okay maybe that last one was a little dark. However, I'm serious. I'm not really scared all the negative consequences. I don't know. I'll try to keep practicing songs... another catalyst to my crying earlier, considering every song I've sung for the past two years... every single one, I sang for her, Joseph! Even when most of those two years, she was never around. I'll try. I'll give it a few days, we'll see how I'll feel after that.
I just want to disappear, that's all.
Ever Yours,
Scott M.
P.S.
Just realized "Joseph" shares the initial "J" with her, and in addition to that, is the English version of the name my dad used in his newspaper when he "speaks to it" directly (the way I currently am with this blog) in his editorials. He called it "Jose". Ironic how I would mention both her and my dad in the same sentence. One has just about as much influence as the other, both of whom I trusted a lot (I trusted her more, actually, considering I trusted her completely), AND they're both gone and out of my life.
I tried to calm myself with whatever I could find. But I can't. I can't watch funny movies or shows, because they remind me of her. Of how we used to watch funny movies all the time. Can't really laugh at jokes anymore because I hear her laugh in my head. I know it's been less than a day and chances are it'll get easier as time passes. But in the meantime, how do I get through this?
You know what I ended up doing? I cried. Hahaha, yeah. I haven't cried like that before. And then I passed out. I've never cried myself to sleep before today. And I still don't feel any better. So what do I do now? Who do I turn to? I have no one left. She was in large part, my inspiration and motivation to move forward. I wanted to do it for myself, sure. But I also really wanted to become a person she would be proud of.
I don't know if I'm going to be able to move forward or not. No delays... no delays... [Sighs.] No one left.
I stared at this screen for a very long time, holding back the tears. Can I really say I lost the person I trusted most, when I'm the one who made it happen? It's my fault. It's my fault! She's gone, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'll either suffer through it and make it... or I won't.
I'm aimless again. I don't want to stand still. Joseph - that's your new name, blogger, I want to be able to refer to you directly. Joseph, what do I do? I'm aimless and I don't want to stay where I'm at. The longer I do the, the worse it'll be for me. So what do I do?
To be honest with you, Joseph, I feel like I want to run away. Not trying to sound dramatic, but just go. Grab a small backpack, take a couple shirts, underwear and jeans, and leave. Possibly with my guitar, as well. Either way just go. Just leave. No phones, no way of anyone ever contacting me. Just drop off the radar. Who knows, there might something good that would come out of it.
I know it's risky, Joseph. Chances are I'd get robbed in one city and/or killed, or something. But not entirely sure why that's so bad. Haha, Joseph, okay maybe that last one was a little dark. However, I'm serious. I'm not really scared all the negative consequences. I don't know. I'll try to keep practicing songs... another catalyst to my crying earlier, considering every song I've sung for the past two years... every single one, I sang for her, Joseph! Even when most of those two years, she was never around. I'll try. I'll give it a few days, we'll see how I'll feel after that.
I just want to disappear, that's all.
Ever Yours,
Scott M.
P.S.
Just realized "Joseph" shares the initial "J" with her, and in addition to that, is the English version of the name my dad used in his newspaper when he "speaks to it" directly (the way I currently am with this blog) in his editorials. He called it "Jose". Ironic how I would mention both her and my dad in the same sentence. One has just about as much influence as the other, both of whom I trusted a lot (I trusted her more, actually, considering I trusted her completely), AND they're both gone and out of my life.
Bittersweet
There's something to be said about how women, especially when you love them, can change everything in a single encounter, eh? That said, I've finally made it. A little sooner than I would have liked. Gods, I didn't even get to give her my final, wholly original, and best song yet! But there we are. I'll love her always, and I was thinking about taking it in steps. Waiting it out. But no more waiting.
She'll either love me or she never will. It's kind of a relief in a way, actually, for her to say she never will. And, thankfully, I don't feel regret. It's a situation that's been resolved. It could have been handled a little bit better, I think. Maybe I was a little over-hasty. Not that I tried to force the matter, mind. I only mentioned that among the things I set out to do, as well, was to make her love me. That is, to become a person she would be able to love. I could have waited years as I endeavored towards that.
She gave me 30 seconds.
So, now that is behind me. I'll never stop loving her, but that doesn't mean I can't forge forward, right? That was a matter that needed a resolution before anything could truly move forward, in any case. I was being irresponsible. I was avoiding going "out there" for jobs, because it would take me away from her. I don't have that, anymore. Now I can just love her quietly. Keep her in my heart, as my body explores the world.
I don't even think my title is appropriate. I don't find it particularly bitter or sweet. I'm not hurt, and not elated, either. I'm at peace. I should probably change that title. Or not, because then this exposition would make no sense whatsoever. So just make up your own, appropriate title for this entry.
I'm proud of myself. I've taken the first step towards the new me. I'll carry her in my heart and I will not regret her choice. I'll miss her, but I won't let that stop me. So let us blaze the trail into the future. The first step is behind me, and it's time to take the plunge.
Don't wish me luck, tell me to take care once I reach the top!
Ever Yours,
Scott M.
P.S.
I want to commit to this blog as well. I'm finding it particularly enjoyable. Or is it just my vivification? That's a word, right? It is now.
She'll either love me or she never will. It's kind of a relief in a way, actually, for her to say she never will. And, thankfully, I don't feel regret. It's a situation that's been resolved. It could have been handled a little bit better, I think. Maybe I was a little over-hasty. Not that I tried to force the matter, mind. I only mentioned that among the things I set out to do, as well, was to make her love me. That is, to become a person she would be able to love. I could have waited years as I endeavored towards that.
She gave me 30 seconds.
So, now that is behind me. I'll never stop loving her, but that doesn't mean I can't forge forward, right? That was a matter that needed a resolution before anything could truly move forward, in any case. I was being irresponsible. I was avoiding going "out there" for jobs, because it would take me away from her. I don't have that, anymore. Now I can just love her quietly. Keep her in my heart, as my body explores the world.
I don't even think my title is appropriate. I don't find it particularly bitter or sweet. I'm not hurt, and not elated, either. I'm at peace. I should probably change that title. Or not, because then this exposition would make no sense whatsoever. So just make up your own, appropriate title for this entry.
I'm proud of myself. I've taken the first step towards the new me. I'll carry her in my heart and I will not regret her choice. I'll miss her, but I won't let that stop me. So let us blaze the trail into the future. The first step is behind me, and it's time to take the plunge.
Don't wish me luck, tell me to take care once I reach the top!
Ever Yours,
Scott M.
P.S.
I want to commit to this blog as well. I'm finding it particularly enjoyable. Or is it just my vivification? That's a word, right? It is now.
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