How Things Tend to Repeat

It hasn't been a full day yet, and it really hurts. I don't want to start regretting already, after just taking the first step. I guess I've finally come down from my high and excitement and saw the rubble around me. What have I done? I had left the one person who still remained when all others have gone. And now I have no one. It's hard. It's really hard.

I tried to calm myself with whatever I could find. But I can't. I can't watch funny movies or shows, because they remind me of her. Of how we used to watch funny movies all the time. Can't really laugh at jokes anymore because I hear her laugh in my head. I know it's been less than a day and chances are it'll get easier as time passes. But in the meantime, how do I get through this?

You know what I ended up doing? I cried. Hahaha, yeah. I haven't cried like that before. And then I passed out. I've never cried myself to sleep before today. And I still don't feel any better. So what do I do now? Who do I turn to? I have no one left. She was in large part, my inspiration and motivation to move forward. I wanted to do it for myself, sure. But I also really wanted to become a person she would be proud of.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to move forward or not. No delays... no delays... [Sighs.] No one left.

I stared at this screen for a very long time, holding back the tears. Can I really say I lost the person I trusted most, when I'm the one who made it happen? It's my fault. It's my fault! She's gone, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'll either suffer through it and make it... or I won't.

I'm aimless again. I don't want to stand still. Joseph - that's your new name, blogger, I want to be able to refer to you directly. Joseph, what do I do? I'm aimless and I don't want to stay where I'm at. The longer I do the, the worse it'll be for me. So what do I do?

To be honest with you, Joseph, I feel like I want to run away. Not trying to sound dramatic, but just go. Grab a small backpack, take a couple shirts, underwear and jeans, and leave. Possibly with my guitar, as well. Either way just go. Just leave. No phones, no way of anyone ever contacting me. Just drop off the radar. Who knows, there might something good that would come out of it.

I know it's risky, Joseph. Chances are I'd get robbed in one city and/or killed, or something. But not entirely sure why that's so bad. Haha, Joseph, okay maybe that last one was a little dark. However, I'm serious. I'm not really scared all the negative consequences. I don't know. I'll try to keep practicing songs... another catalyst to my crying earlier, considering every song I've sung for the past two years... every single one, I sang for her, Joseph! Even when most of those two years, she was never around. I'll try. I'll give it a few days, we'll see how I'll feel after that.

I just want to disappear, that's all.


Ever Yours,

Scott M.



P.S.

Just realized "Joseph" shares the initial "J" with her, and in addition to that, is the English version of the name my dad used in his newspaper when he "speaks to it" directly (the way I currently am with this blog) in his editorials. He called it "Jose". Ironic how I would mention both her and my dad in the same sentence. One has just about as much influence as the other, both of whom I trusted a lot (I trusted her more, actually, considering I trusted her completely), AND they're both gone and out of my life.